I am sitting at my desk, crying. real tears.
Today was not a good day. I haven’t had an attack in a few months, I thought I was better. Little did I know I was no where near better.
It came out of no where. I was sitting in class about to take a really important test, when all of a sudden I couldn’t breath. I was terrified.
It got worse as everyone stared at me while I was hyperventilating and no one even asked if I was okay, they just went about their business. Making me feel like I was completely alone and helpless.
I never thought I would have an attack like this in class, but they come out of no where and it is the worse thing ever. I don’t even know what caused this one. All I know is that it scares the absolute shit out of me and I had to sit there, in a class of 160 other students and take a test. I couldn’t leave or I would not be able to take my test and I think that made it worse.
It has just been a bad day. It’s 8:10pm. I should be studying for my Philosophy midterm that I have tomorrow but I can’t stop crying. I am terrified. Anxiety is the worse thing I have ever had. I just want it to go away. Someone please make it go away.
I don’t know if i will ever post this. I just needed to get this out of my system. I have anxiety and have had it for as long as I can remember. It is something I deal with every single day. I am able to fake it a lot when it comes to being happy. I honestly don’t know the last time I was truly happy.
Which scares me more than anything.
I have to physically make myself get out of bed every single morning, and it’s not because I’m “lazy”. I am scared of what might happen during the day that could trigger a panic attack. I don’t leave my house on the weekends really at all. I don’t like to make plans to go out with friends, I don’t even have that many friends to start with and the ones that I do have live no where near me.
I try not to let my anxiety rule my life but it is getting harder every single day. Some days I just think I should give up.