well hello there.

well hello there.

I feel like I am always doing these “catch up posts.” I always get so wrapped up in school and the stress that it brings that I forget to actually write down how I am feeling and that is exactly why I started this whole blogging thing. Sometimes I genuinely miss writing, other times I feel like it is almost a waste of time. I know many people don’t read what I write but at times it feels like what if someone I actually know reads what I am writing, what if they see how I really feel and what is really going on in my head. That’s a very scary thought.

I do want to use this blog to help myself sort through some of the things that go on in my head on a daily basis and that is scary for me to do at times, simply because I am the type of person to bottle everything up and push it to the side and go on about my life like nothing is wrong. Wow, that is a jumbled up mess of a sentence.

But anyways, back on topic. I have been extremely anxious lately when I begin to think about life after graduation in December of this year. I’ll be an adult. Do I even know how to adult properly? Can I survive being an adult and having to pay bills and student loans? Just typing all of this out is making my chest heavy with anxiety. I wish it was easier, I wish I knew exactly what would happen after graduation but we aren’t given that opportunity. No one is able to look into the future and see what it holds for us. We have to take chances, we have to keep those around us that lift us up and not those who try to drag us down.

The friends I made in the last 7 months are the best people that I never knew I needed in my life. They have been with me when my anxiety and depression got so bad that I physically could not leave my bed without having an attack. They were with me when my best friend almost died and I thought if he died then I would be the next to go. They held me up, they loved me at my worst and for that I am forever grateful. I don’t think I would have made it through everything that I did without them by my side.

For now that is all I want to say, back to writing this paper for my Research class. Have a good day.

Mental Health

Mental Health

I am sitting at my desk, crying. real tears.

Today was not a good day. I haven’t had an attack in a few months, I thought I was better. Little did I know I was no where near better.

It came out of no where. I was sitting in class about to take a really important test, when all of a sudden I couldn’t breath. I was terrified.

It got worse as everyone stared at me while I was hyperventilating and no one even asked if I was okay, they just went about their business. Making me feel like I was completely alone and helpless.

I never thought I would have an attack like this in class, but they come out of no where and it is the worse thing ever. I don’t even know what caused this one. All I know is that it scares the absolute shit out of me and I had to sit there, in a class of 160 other students and take a test. I couldn’t leave or I would not be able to take my test and I think that made it worse.

It has just been a bad day. It’s 8:10pm. I should be studying for my Philosophy midterm that I have tomorrow but I can’t stop crying. I am terrified. Anxiety is the worse thing I have ever had. I just want it to go away. Someone please make it go away.

I don’t know if i will ever post this. I just needed to get this out of my system. I have anxiety and have had it for as long as I can remember. It is something I deal with every single day. I am able to fake it a lot when it comes to being happy. I honestly don’t know the last time I was truly happy.

Which scares me more than anything.

I have to physically make myself get out of bed every single morning, and it’s not because I’m “lazy”. I am scared of what might happen during the day that could trigger a panic attack. I don’t leave my house on the weekends really at all. I don’t like to make plans to go out with friends, I don’t even have that many friends to start with and the ones that I do have live no where near me.

I try not to let my anxiety rule my life but it is getting harder every single day. Some days I just think I should give up.